Show Me the Benjamins

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Show Me the Benjamins

In the Beginning was Ben Franklin,
our Founding Father, who said, Let there be Light-

ning rods, bifocals, wood stoves, urinary catheters,
and harmonicas
—and it was So. And Benjamin

saw that it was Good, except for the harmonicas, and stayed up
late setting type. On the Seventh Day, he rested

and read, ate vegetables and cleaned the Ink off his hands—
which was good too. Especially for toting

armloads of bread. But on the Eighth Day, back to work—
because a rolling stone gathers no moss

and a man taught to fish will just buy boats and go
. That Second Week, he invented

Universities, libraries, mail, fire-fighting, fight-
clubs (which he never talked about), GiveForward, and kites.

The kites prefaced electricity, industry, computers, and,
eventually, Twitter, where Ben famously

tweeted, Fish and company stink. That was a good one and got
a lot of Likes and Retweets, according to

Favstar, which he also invented as a subscription
service. Of course, Day 14—more fresh rutabagas and kale

in a Smoothie, which he somehow kept down.
The Third Week was a nautical and meteorological bonanza—

he discovered ocean currents, the Atlantic, lunar
eclipses, catamarans, sea anchors, Daylight Savings Time,

and prevailing winds. He hung his clothes out separately,
instead of together, and found they dried

faster. Day 21, he swore off gluten after reading too much
on WebMD, where he also diagnosed himself

with 13 Illnesses he tried to cure using pencil marks on paper—
he was a Genius like that. The Fourth Week,

he gave notice, but not before signing the Declaration
of Independence
and drawing an invisible map

on the back, which led to a veritable hobbit-heap, dwarf-
hoard of treasure and Nicolas Cage’s bad

acting (all of which can be forgiven by
Raising Arizona alone). Anyway, given all that, he still

eschewed Pride, carried the rag-and-bone shop
of his life through the streets his own self in his own

wheelbarrow to Christ Church Burial Ground, tore
out the gilded letters of his deeds, and closed the book,

believing his Work would not be wholly lost, but appear
once more, in a new and more perfect Edition,

Corrected and Amended By the Great Author of All.


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